I woke up Wednesday morning....my first round of chemo starting in just hours to find this first up on my FB wall. And so that became my verse over the course of the past days as I struggled through. Cause all I really could do was be still.....it hit me pretty hard.



Weds. treatment went ok with only a minimal allergic reaction and I went home feeling groggy but ok. Thursday I actually was able to knit my way trough the whole treatment and I was told it would be an easy day but that the days to come would be uncertain and side effects could range from severe to mild. Well my side effects started the moment I got in the car to head home....intense nausea and pain that I can not even describe. I took nausea meds as soon as we got home but they did not touch it all night and Friday morning found me back at the doctors for fluids and an IV of nausea meds.I slept the morning away there. Poor Brian I think he was worse then me.....so worried. I was able to get my shot which was the last part of my first round and we headed home feeling horrible. I barely lifted my head all weekend of the pillow. Waves of nausea and pain that came and went all over my body....I took every med they sent home with me.....no hero here. One put me to sleep for a few hours and that was my favorite.

Monday I actually sat on the couch for a while while my Mom and friend visited. They brought so much food from friends that my freezer is filled to overflowing and I am humbled that my family is being blessed and taken care of when I can't do it. God's people are truly amazing.....really.

Sleep is a problem .....I take a nice long Epsom salt bath with lavender at night and then get about 4 hours but then I lay there.....achy and uncomfortable but no sleep will come. So here I am early Tuesday morning sitting on the couch......feeling ok enough to post which is saying a lot.

One of the worse things is just not being able to do anything.....not even knit. My fibery friends will understand......at least if I could knit I would keep my mind busy.......but I just don't have the focus.

early morning snuggles from my littles

I lay here an listen to my audio bible and let God's word wash over me. I won't lie to you I wanted to curl up and die several times this past weekend and I was mad that God would allow this to be my path......I was screaming I am just not strong enough. I should be pumpkin picking with my kids and teaching math lessons and baking apple crisp and laughing with my family.....not this. But yesterday morning Hannah Grace came into my room and climbed into my bed and told me Jesus had sent her to take care of me and make me feel better.....and then I knew I would fight and the enemy will not win! I have babies to kiss and love and a life that God has called me to live and He is fighting for me so I know all will be right when this is over. His plan not mine.....but that is what I signed up for.

The kids have really stepped up they run the house better then me. And Brian is even getting up and making me my green smoothies every morning......I need to snap a photo of that. We have 5:00 am green smoothies every morning now. He knows all about the goat's milk kefir and the greens plus blend and all the things he tries to stay pretty far from! Love him so much and am so blessed he is mine.

I will tell you I am worried about how Brian will get me back in that infusion room in two weeks......the thought just makes me sick. But I will just take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is blood work day and then no doctors visits unless something is wrong. So 2 weeks of recovery.  But for today I will sit back and let God do His thing........and maybe just maybe I'll be able to knit a few rows.....just maybe.

Resting in Him........Alisa

I have been putting off coming here to write. Trying to figure out the words and how or even if I would share. This is my happy spot where I share about my love of Jesus, my family......my fiber....my knitting....my life. I think writing about it will make it more real.....something I have been trying to not do.....cause it can't possibly be real.

I have a new pinterest board.....the name of that board is cancer.  It's a place where I am collecting remedies, recipes and all the things I have found over the past three weeks that will help me get through and beat my diagnosis of non hodgkins lymphoma. I have decided to journal here as we go down this path, I think it will be good for me and for my kids to have my writing in the future.

The past 3 weeks have been a flurry of tests and doctor appts. and lot's of waiting to see what was happening.  And here we are on the eve of my first round of chemo. The unknowing could eat me up....it could. But in the unknowing I have a knowing that can not be taken from me. I have a God who loves me and has always wanted the best for me and He is still sitting on His throne.....the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I know He has a plan in all of this. I might not understand it or like it or even want it. But I am not the author of my story. That changed many years ago when I accepted Him and allowed Him to lead me in this life. So He is writing my story and I am praying for grace to be able to step back and trust Him as I never have. It's a hard place.

I am a Mom I have 8 kids to raise still and a husband to love  and a life to live. I decided from the start that we would not let the enemy steal our Joy. I have such joy in my husband......my kids.....my life. My Jesus has promised me greater joy then I can  ever imagine and that is what I cling too.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
    in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
    and with my song I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:7

And so I have decided to only knit the fun things and spin the fibers that make me most happy. And I have been knitting up a storm......waiting room knitting is great for keeping my hands busy! Knitting is the best therapy!  These socks are going to be a Christmas present.


and knitting up projects that make little girls smile is also great therapy! I spun this yarn and then knit up a hat and mittens for my youngest.

 So I am hoping to keep writing here as I feel up to it. And I will leave you today with a verse I am holding tight too.

 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11